You cant escape forever
But you can snatch at slippery moments
And try to graps them between your fingers
And if you hold on tight enough
You can draw what you will from them and see what no-one could ever have seen
You cant daydream forever
But you can see a calm sea
And sit on its shores and dive in and float on your back
Staring up through everything
you cant live forever
But you can give what you have and take what you want
And escape and daydream
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Punctuation, please!
You don't have to capitalize the first letter of each line, but at least do the first letter of each sentence.
This poem has listed a bunch of phrases that didn't really show me anything new. It's almost there, it's almost sweet and whimsical, especially stanza two, but not making it quite yet. Some of it's rather cliche, which is boring for a reader, even if the message is a good one. The lines I've crossed out are those that should be erased or replaced with others.
Saying things like "You can draw what you will from things and not worry about what other people see in them" is just repeating a cliche. This would be much more enjoyable if you kept the three phrases with "you can't _______ forever," and then say the things that can be done, but give specific places or actions that would give the feeling of taking what you can from life, rather than openly stating, "Take what you can from life." It's just condescending to the reader when those things are laid out. It's like opening the box and finding the puzzle already completed. Give us the pieces, but don't put them together.
Good work!
Colleen
Floaty. I liked it but the long lines were a bit odd, maybe split them up. When starting a new stanza use a capital letter, also use them at the beggining of lines. Lastly there is no punctuation. I don't know if you intended to leave it out but i think it would be easier to follow if there was some.
how is this?